Stupid
by Caliente
Summary: It's stupid. He knows it's stupid. But that's the thing about love, right? You just can't control it. –– set around/shortly after the Season 10 premier; one-sided Ryan/Natalia, mentions of past Eric/Natalia and Jesse/Natalia


**Author's Note:** So this is my first time actually writing something in this fandom and my familiarity with the show is somewhat lacking. (Which basically means if I messed anything up, it's completely incidental and I apologize.) But I've watched most of this season with my Mom, who is a pretty avid fan, and in the first episode the way that Ryan talked with Natalia in the locker room made me think a little. And then I did some research on the pair of them and, well, now there's fanfic. Anyway, assume this takes place during this season, around or shortly after the first episode. It's unbeta'd (sorry!), so point out any mistakes if you see 'em!**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Jerry Bruckheimer/CBS. I am simply borrowing them for my purposes. Please don't sue.**  
><strong>

**Stupid  
><strong>by, Bether**  
><strong>

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This is _so_ stupid of him. Like 'jumping out of an airplane when you know your parachute won't deploy' dumb.

But that's what love is like, right? You take the leap and hope you don't end up hurt in the end.

It's just—he knows better. He started down this road once before and it'd been a dead end. There's no reason to think that's changed, no signs to the contrary. Nothing to give any hope this time it might end differently.

And, if he had any choice in the matter, he'd stop himself—he _would_. (He's pretty sure of that.) But if falling was a choice then they wouldn't call it _falling_.

_So_ stupid. He's such an idiot.

But even when (if?) he gets crushed again, he knows he'll still care. He's always cared about her, and he thinks he always will. He hopes so.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter. He's going to be there for her because he can, going to be a friend because he is. And he's _not_ going to say anything because he actually _isn't_ stupid.

Back then it was (kind of) okay; she was new and their friendship tentative. (Plus, Delko gave him the green light.) Now there's too much to lose—for both of them. He won't be responsible for that. He _can't_ be. Not when she's already suffered so much.

He doesn't gamble anymore for a _reason_, remember?

Besides, she'd tell him if she felt something. Probably. Maybe. (Unless Delko and Cardoza made her gun shy.)

Whatever. Things are fine as they are. So maybe he feels a stirring in his gut around her sometimes or the urge to comfort and protect her even when he knows she doesn't need it—so what? He can handle it. He _can_.

What he couldn't handle would be losing her. That's how he knows his is the right decision. He's protecting them both, really. Protecting their feelings, their friendship, their _careers_.

So—yeah. It's all for the best in the long run, he thinks. That's what makes the whole thing so stupid to begin with. He's probably better off the way things are.

It's just… sometimes when he looks at her, he sees the possibilities. He feels the twisting deep in his chest and knows that if it somehow went right, they'd have a real chance to be happy. In that forever kind of way.

It's a good fantasy—a nice dream. And maybe someday he'll tell her about it. Someday in the far off future when he doesn't love her more than he should and they can laugh about it because that's what you _do_.

For now, though, he's got enough on his plate between trying to overcome the stupidity and keep that look off his face that gives him away. (Maybe t_hat's_ why gambling got him into so much trouble. Dummy.)

Oh and the loving her. That takes up some time, too.

Honestly, he just wishes the reminder that she needs a friend more than anything he might want was better comfort. Because being the good guy pretty much blows, generally speaking.

Not that he lets that stop him. Because he doesn't, not with her. After all, _she_ shouldn't have to suffer for _his_ stupid, stupid, stupid heart.

He hopes someday he won't have to, either.


End file.
